Talk about being DIFFICULT!

Well folks, if you really think about it, that ain’t so far from the truth when it comes to difficult people. They learn new ‘tricks’; they even learn to growl and bark in the best possible way to get your attention and your compliance.

Here’s something to think about – how do you reinforce their behavior?

Because, unfortunately, we do.

The ONLY constructive way to change a difficult person’s behavior to you is to change your behavior (reaction/response) to them.

Typically we react, and reactions often take the form of ‘Fight’ or ‘Flight,’ both of which in turn tends to reinforce exactly what the difficult person was after in the first place – getting to you.

Ever wonder what they would do if you said,

                “Thank you.” Or…

                “You’re absolutely right. What can WE do about this?” Or…

                “What’s that again?” Or…

Anything different that isn’t negative can work. It puts them out of their comfort zone and they have to regroup. Use different tactics enough and they are likely to figure out you just aren’t worth the trouble. They may not change their overall behavior, but they won’t bother you any more.

Of course, not all situations are the same, so you do have to find the most positive, self-supportive, kind way to change directions.

Now there is one problem of course – at least from my perspective – Arwen doesn’t speak English (unless, of course she actually wants to). Being cute does go a long way though.

Best,

Joe Koob

A good friend sent me this and I think it really goes to so much of what I have written about and feel.

Here’s the gist: A person in pain (and we all are sometimes in pain deep within, some of us more than others; and difficult people are in pain, too — it helps to keep that in mind!) doesn’t need good advice, logic, a stiff upper lip, your intelligence, a calculated response –

He needs caring

He needs understanding that reflects that you DO understand the pain he is in (he is not asking you to agree with him; just to understand that his pain makes him see the world slightly differently than you do, and so on)

He needs support (support in the sense that you care; you don’t have to buy into someone’s pain to offer support, you have to help them get through the rough spaces).

He needs to know that he can talk with you about anything and not be judged or analyzed — talking is about sharing who you are and listening is about accepting who someone is even if you do disagree with them and how they see things. (Hint: the compromising comes later — don’t analyze the sharing!)

He needs warm fuzzies, brownie sundaes, a hand to hold, and a tear to shed. Just like you do.

Does it cost so much to give?

Best,

Joe Koob

Happy Holidays from That Black-haired Beauty and I

Arwen and I (and my wife and all of my family) wish you the best of all Holidays and a prosperous, healthy, blessed, and joyous New Year.
I hope some of my scribblings have proved useful or inspirational and I look forward to another year taking the pup out for jaunts and thinking up things to jaw about.
You never know when life is going to hand you a bucket of worms, but then, as my Grandfather used to say “at least you can go fishing”.
Take a chance and spread some love out there. You’ll be glad you did.
Best,
Joe Koob

Be Merry – whoever Merry is maybe it’s good to be Merry. If not, you can always go back to being yourself.

Be Thankful – you could start with being thankful for yourself – not a half bad idea, but it’s also a good time to be thankful for lots of things. Then again when you take time to be thankful for all the things in your life that are good, you start to move away from focusing on all the things that may not be going so well. A good change in perspective – keep at it.

To be Jolly – Always liked the concept of being jolly. Not sure I have ever really, or at least not very often, gotten to ‘Jolly’ in my life. For me it conjures up images of a fat St. Nick with rosy red cheeks and scarlet suit to match. Not really who I am unless I have a plethora of drinks in me, which sort of makes you wonder about Jolly Ol’ St. Nick. To tell you the truth I would be happy with just some downright fine happiness over the holidays.

Be Fearless – Yeah! Surprised me too, but I typed in “Tis the Season” in my web-browser and with all the ‘Jollys’ came up “Tis the Season to be Fearless.” – “‘Tis the Season to Be Fearless is the first holiday-themed compilation album series created by Fearless Records featuring eight Christmas-themed songs.” Well you can blow me away.

However, if you think about the notion that love is the opposite of fear, ergo ‘to be fearless’ would mean to be ‘in’ love. I can dig that.

However, try this these holidays:

Tis the Season to be Blessing – Okay it’s a departure, but think about how this might feel on the giving end AND the receiving end. Just spend a moment now and then, maybe once a day or more if you remember, and bless some of the myriad people in your life. You can simply do this in your head — it is sort of akin to sending out ‘positive vibes’ to them. Think of it how you will, it puts good thoughts in your head for that period of time. Whether you buy into the idea ‘vibes,’ karma, electromagnetotronic-radiation, or not, just feeling better can help make your day and the day of those people you interact with better too. Go for it!

If you truly want a personal challenge, bless the idiots, jerks, do-nothings, lousy drivers, nit-pickers, a…and, well, anyone who truly challenges your equanimity from day to day (or even minute to minute). They can probably use all the blessings they can get; know I can.

Have a Blessing season.

Best,

Joe Koob

Strangely what she does rather than be content with a bit of head scritchin’ is she pushes the top of her head further into your leg, nose down, as if to say, “Yeah, that’s it my man, now keep it up.” And no matter how much petting, scratching, pats, etc., you give she keeps that head pushin’ in for more. It typically goes on for more than just a coupla minutes.

Not sure whether any of you out there have ever encountered such a behavior in your dogs, but it’s obvious she knows what she wants and isn’t shy about asking for it.

Truth is, we can all use more lovin’ on a regular basis. And there are certainly occasions when a good ‘head-butt lovin’ would be just the right tonic for what ails us. Then again I suppose it takes a bit of courage to butt your head into someone and ask them to scritch behind your ears.

Truth is, too, that difficult people could probably use even more ‘lovin’ than us regular folks. Now I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that you butt your head into their leg or stomach and ask for it, but did you know that over a long period of time, if you give them a chance, some, maybe even many, difficult people will respond to positivity, or ‘lovin’’ on a general scale: it’s called, appreciation and recognition.

Instead of thinking negative thoughts and avoiding them, why not give them a bit of head buttin’ by going out of your way to say ‘Thank you,’ when they do something for you; or say something nice in passing, or give them a pat on the back, or a howdy do, or…well, you can come up with lots of ideas.

Truth is, it works. Yeah, it may take awhile, some people are hurtin’ pretty deep, but most people respond to what they get (not what they give out). Give them something to respond to.

Best,

Joe Koob

P.S. Sometimes we ignore those doggie head-butts at 5:00 AM. She gets the point and back settles in for awhile.

To a certain extent that has changed, though she still does not bark a lot – we’re not exactly sure when she made the connection, but she did eventually discover that barking has its purposes. Perhaps the first instances were when walking with her, for some reason she gets rather excited about small dogs. Essentially she got barked at first and then she learned to respond. Now – small dog equals bark first, ask questions later. We haven’t let her leash go to find out whether she is more interested in getting to know them or eat them. Discretion is sometimes the better part of valor.

Or it might have been that she first started to bark when other creatures invaded our yard. She loves to chase rabbits, squirrels, black and white squirrels (aka skunks), deer, ground hogs, foxes, and ??? Well oft we don’t get to see what has gotten her excited as it has already skedaddled by the time we get out to check.

The last ‘barking’ thing she learned, and she really has learned it well, is that when she barks things happen, i.e. it attracts Mom or Dad. So “Bark” I want to get out, “Bark” I want to come in, “Bark,” someone is coming, and so forth. For more important things like foods and walks she makes a noise with her mouth and throat – “Arggwgghwant”. (Well that’s the best I can do!)

Pretty demanding, she has gotten. She will even stick her nose in your face at 5:00 in the morning to let you know it’s time to get up and feed her and let her out.

Guess what? Difficult people have learned these kinds of tricks, too.

And guess what again? Unfortunately we tend to jump when they grunt or bark or ???

The truth is we are ALWAYS part of the equation when it comes to difficult people in our lives.

What is the solution? Change your behavior in response to their behavior.

HINT! You can always find kind, positive ways to change your behavior. You don’t have to fight back or retreat.

It’s worth thinking about.

Best,

Joe Koob

P.S. Sometimes we ignore those doggie head-butts at 5:00 AM. She gets the point and back settles in for awhile.

• Labrador Retriever

This dog typically attracts an all-American, guy-next-door-type owner. We picture him nonchalantly tossing his pooch a tennis ball and running shirtless, leash in hand. Sure, he may be a tad predictable, given his dog of choice, but when predictable comes with six-pack abs … we’ll take it.

Okay, so the ‘shirtless’ is not quite true in my case, but I have always been a BIG dog lover. Arwen (That black-haired beauty, in case you haven’t been following along) is a cross between a black lab and a golden retriever. She does fetch, loves the water, chases things, and we do lots of things together. She is the all around great pooch for “The All-American Guy’. Hey what can I say.

Now the ‘six-pack’ abs, might be another small problem. I do have them, it’s just that they’re hidden beneath a bit of rotundity – which I might add I keep working on or I wouldn’t qualify as “The All-American Guy’.

So to be totally open here. The article also speaks about the ‘mutt’ owner. And in reality Arwen qualifies as a mutt:

• Mutt

A mutt owner is usually laid-back, humble and has a good sense of right and wrong. Given his choice of dog, he likely isn’t typically into a cookie-cutter woman: He’ll actually dig the crooked tooth you’re totally self-conscious about, as well as the weird slobbery sound you make when you chew — in short, he appreciates what makes you, you.

Laid-back? You bet. I’m a product of those late sixties and seventies when ‘laid-back’ was IT.

Humble? Well I have my moments. Then again we all have our egos to deal with, too.

Good sense of right and wrong? Now that’s a dissertation in and of itself. I think I’ll let that one lie.

And, well, I do try to appreciate people for who they are. Though it is hard, isn’t it, when someone is treating you badly, or IN YOUR FACE? One of the hardest things in dealing with people, dog-owners or not, is understanding that they see the world very differently than you do.

You know that person who gets on your nerves all the time may just be a ‘Yippy-dog’ owner. Wonder what they say about guys who own chihuahuas or poodles or terriers?

Now you see! If you’re a small dog owner I probably just raised your hackles a bit. Those differences!!! We DO see the world (and dogs) (and dog owners) (and cat owners) (and…) differently. The question is can we make the effort to understand who they are as they are without trying to change them or denigrate them? ACCEPTANCE is a good word for this week. Think about it!

Arwen is a pretty good exemplar – she loves and accepts everyone.

Best,

Joe Koob

Part of my website is a section of freebies that people initially could contribute to – most of these are still posted, but now the opportunity to make comments, share ideas, and experiences are through this blog. So here is your chance to vent. Don’t worry – I’ll occasionally bring this back so you can add even more Pet Peeves.

So today my BIG Pet Peeve is businesses that “Promise one thing and Deliver another.” And unfortunately some of them just downright lie to you. I think it is so frustrating to deal with a business that absolutely does not live up to what they tell you. It is so frustrating that I am willing to pay more to ensure I don’t have these types of frustrations.

Witness a big ticket item – building a house. My wife and I built a house in MI about eight-nine years ago and we asked out realtor to recommend a builder. Thank Goodness we did, because we got a good one – one who lived up to his reputation, and though we probably paid more for the quality he provided it was well worth it.

Why? Because we heard dozens of horror stories from friends and acquaintances about their experiences, and some of them were concurrent with when we were building. I can truthfully say we had NO complaints and we liked the builder so much he is now building our retirement home for us.

On the other side of the coin are far too many businesses who try to, as my father used to say, ‘pull the wool over your eyes.’ One of my own first experiences with such a business was when a bank that was ostensibly ‘watching my house for me’ while I was in the military during Vietnam, hired the brother of the vice-president to mow my lawn for something like $50/hr. This was in 1970! Needless to say I was not a happy camper.

I could list, easily, dozens of business that have failed in my opinion to live up to what they bill. It’s too bad that honor and trust are not as important as they should be.

Sometimes businesses do listen to serious complaints; sometimes they don’t. I shop where I feel good about a business. And I also say Thank You to those that go that extra mile for me.

If there’s a moral to this it is: complain where warranted because if you don’t they’ll just continue what they’re doing; don’t go back to those businesses that treat you badly or lie to you; and make sure you let the good ones know they are doing it right.

Best,

Joe Koob

P.S. Your Pet Peeves are welcome.